I stepped out on to porch of my house. The rain pitter-pattered noisily against the aluminum awning I stood under. I looked around me – the clouds were a dreary, drab grey. My shoes were getting wet from the rain splatter as I took out the earphones from my green knapsack. Tucking the knapsack under my left arm and clutching on to my cheap, made-in-China umbrella, I struggled to plug my earphones into my MP3 player while trying to stay dry. I pressed ‘Play’ and put the earphones on. The bass thump-thumped to life as the synthesizer hummed the first few chords. As Bono’s voice beckoned, “The heart is a bloom…,” I walked into the rain.
It’s a beautiful day.
It really was. Even as I walked to campus in the rain with my myriad concerns, it was a beautiful day.
Yeah, some of my dearest friends are going through some of the most trying times of their lives. Some are nursing heartaches. Some are asking questions about their future. Some are struggling with insecurities, doubts and sin. My heart aches for their aching hearts. My mind is burdened with the burdens they have to carry. My soul struggles in prayer for the struggles they have to endure… sometimes alone. But it’s a beautiful day – I have friends to care for and who care for me.
Yeah, I’m really worried about my employment. I’m waiting and praying and hoping on an assistantship that will help me and my parents. My bank account balance may not last me through the entire summer. In fact, I’ve checked the numbers. It won’t. To make matters seem worse, there are no jobs in sight. My resumes and enquiries go without response. But it’s a beautiful day – I have never been hungry nor in great want.
Yeah, I’ve felt lonely at times, longing for a companionship that is more-than-just-friends. I’ve had days where I’ve grown a little weary of coming back to an empty house, an empty room. There are some things that are better enjoyed because they are shared – cooking a meal, noticing a flock of geese in the park by the riverside, feeling the crunch of dried leaves as the sun sets in autumn. And sometimes, just sometimes, I feel a tinge of jealousy at the couples who walk hand-in-hand down the street, laughing and sharing an ice-cream cone. I bite my tongue and guard my heart when someone I’m interested in discusses with me her unrequited love to another. But it’s a beautiful day – I am the object of Someone’s furious passion.
Yeah, I’ve been worried about my future. I aspire towards so much, but I’m terribly unsure whether I can achieve those heights. I am envious of the achievements of those I know. I feel small when I see how much they have achieved compared to me, even though we are about the same age. I reel in awe and trepidation of my parents who, when they were my age, were already paying for a house, a car and two children – despite not having the academic qualifications I possess. But it’s a beautiful day – Someone knows the plans He has for me… plans to prosper and not harm, to give a future and a hope.
Yeah, I’ve struggled with my self. Insecurities of who I am. Doubts of who I ought to be. Sin which continues to strike me down after each great effort to rise up and move forward again. Examining my still-verdictless life and sometimes finding it so… pathetic… that I fear the Final Verdict. But it’s a beautiful day – even though I now see but a poor reflection as in a mirror. Now I know in part, but one day I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
The rain continued to pour down as I made my way to campus. The forecast for the weekend is rain and thunderstorms. “It’s going to be like this for a little while more,” I say out loud to nobody. I walked on with my mind still occupied with my myriad thoughts, my future still uncertain and my life still verdictless.
It’s a beautiful day.
Copyright © Wong Giok Leigh, 12 June 2003. All Rights Reserved.